Chapter Sixteen - "Eunuchs and Trucks"

Narrator: There's something virile and manly about owning a big Crewcab Dodge Ram 3500 long-box with a hemi diesel. Maybe it's those snorting horses of the revving engines, maybe it's the fact that if you lift the suspension, women need to use a stepladder to get into the cab...and the resulting benefits...

Haruo: Or maybe it's just the practical aspect.

Narrator: Sheesh...you take all the fun out of pondering.

Haruo: There's nothing to ponder, I just use it to take my produce to the grocery to sell it. And haul plants back from the nursery? What else is there.

Narrator: But don't the drivers get out of your way when you come barreling down the street with that big truck?

Haruo: It's the Sims, you vacuous twit, you think these idiots get out of the way?

River: Hey, stud...you in the mood? So show me that you're not compensating with the size of your truck.

Narrator: See...

Haruo: Oh, shut up, Narrator.

Bebe: I think I'll stick to painting.

Next afternoon

Bebe: We've been here for four hours. Haven't caught a thing yet.

Haruo: Only thing we've been catching is flies.

Narrator: Hey, at least that's something.

Bebe and Haruo: Shut up, Narrator.

River: All I'm catching is a nasty case of staphylococcus; maybe even e coli. What the hell has he been eating?

Narrator: And Bebe lost her mind...and went out at night to go talk to the plants.

Bebe: You know, Narrator, there's been numerous studies done about the benefits to plants of actually talking to them. It supposedly makes them grow quicker and give bigger harvests. It's absolutely beneficial.

Narrator: And it's also friggin' nuts too. You ever seen what you look like talking to a plant.

Bebe: No more crazy than you talking to yourself...or to an invisible audience.

Narrator: Meanwhile, River was well on her way to painting her first masterpiece. Though I'm sure there were other masterpieces that she was considering. ~nudges Haruo~ Say no more...

River: Shut up! Narrator...and not a word out of you...Haruo, unless you want to be Farinelli.

Narrator and Haruo look at each other

Narrator: Fari-who?

Haruo: Farinelli was a castrati...

Narrator: ...a what?

Haruo: A castrati is... ~makes a cutting gesture and points at that general area~ when a young boy gets his you-know-whats removed...surgically in the hopes of keeping his boyish high-pitched voice...it was quite prevalent in baroque opera famous during the 18th Century. Farinelli was otherwise known as Carlo Maria Michelangelo Nicola Broschi. What confuses me is that River isn't known for listening to baroque music. She prefers rock.

Narrator: Yeah, I'd watch it if I were you...or she might Bobbit-chop you one.

Bebe: Oh, yeah...while River is painting, you want to go forth and multiply with me?

Haruo: MMmmhmmm...sounds like a plan.

Bebe: C'mon, Haruo, show me you're not all just talk.

Narrator: I think I'll just go check out your truck.

Chapter Fifteen: "Cars and Hot-Tubs"

Narrator: "The next morning, Haruo pulled his lazy rear-end out of bed."

Haruo (enraged): "Hey watch your mouth. I'm not lazy...you arrogant mouthpiece."

Narrator: "Get a job. In any case, he was headed outside to head for the elixir shop again. This guy is really going to brass the tacks off the proprietor."

Haruo: "He said one consignment set every day...so I'm doing one consignment set every single day..."

Narrator: "At three in the morning?!!"

Haruo: "Yeah...so?"

Proprietor: "Oh...it's YOU again."

Haruo: "Might as well go to the bookstore and get a few things."

Narrator: "...and Bebe had some more plasma bugs to send to the science center."

Bebe: "Hey, Haruo, you are doing such a great job with the gardening...and with cooking too..."

Haruo: "Yeah...uh...thanks, I think...(suspicious) hey...you trying to butter me up?"

Bebe (innocently): "No...is it working?"

Bebe (sighs): "Back to irradiating more bugs."

River: "I hate this potion table, that's the sixty-ninth time it's tried to blow me up."

Bebe: "...and I presume it doesn't even have the courtesy to say thank you either..."

River (eyeing Bebe with one raised eyebrow): "Oh...shut up..."

Bebe: "Oh look, we can now finally afford cars...and Haruo finally built us a three-car garage."

River: "...and a hot tub too...oh, this is great..."

Bebe: "And you were the one complaining the most about having to do this challenge."

River: "Oh...shut up..."

Bebe: "Don't forget to thank Haruo for doing all this..."

River: "Oh...I'll thank him in a way he won't forget..."

Bebe (raises eyebrows): "Oh...really?"

River: "Oh...shut up!!!"

Haruo: "Of course, I need a truck...a big one - Gotta love my Dodge Ram 3500."

River: "Compensating?"

Haruo: "I didn't hear any complaints last night..."

Bebe (giggling her head off): "He got you there..."

River: "Oh...do shut up..."

Chapter Fourteen: "Attraction"

River: "You know, Haruo...like I said, you're not half-bad. And I think I could get to like you a lot. Y'know what they say about this challenge, right? Since we've built the house...thanks to all these plasma bugs that Bebe mutated with radiation, we can now start creating the next generation.

Haruo: "Next generation of what?"

River: "Oh my god...you're dense."

Haruo: "I dunno...what...the next generation of plasma bugs?"

River (looks at narrator): "Do I really have to do this?"

Narrator: "Anybody else up for it?"

Haruo: "Here, have some flowers... I promise, no bees."

River: "oh...how nice...why thank you. So...big stud-muffin...what do you look like with your shirt off?"

Narrator: "Yeah, I'm going to go play on the computer...enjoy yourselves." (resumes narrating)"...and that's how Haruo and River...managed to start off the next...round of little ones...Hey...you two mind keeping it down in there? I'm trying to do my job here."

Bebe: "Well, at least breakfast is good...and it didn't come out burned. I think Haruo's cooking skills are getting better."

Cat: "Meow...mrrrow..." (translation) "Do I really have to go out to hunt for plasma bugs today? I'm really not feeling well."

Narrator: "I don't know...but you might end up as stew...if you don't..."

Haruo: "Hey, I heard that. I don't eat cats..."

"...or dogs either" (Author's note: I'm Asian, I can make that joke)

Narrator: "After some glorious moments...Haruo headed over to the elixir shop where he met up with the proprietor who had some nice flow happening; business in the front; party in the back - but hey, consigning one's rocks was the order of the day. Now that they didn't have the limitation of selling just plasma bugs to the science center; they'd be doing OK."

Proprietor: "You got HOW many rocks? Geez, what? You collect them all until now? (aside) I think I'm going to have to start putting a limit on how many rocks he can consign at once. Oh well, just so long as there's buyers for them."

River (at home): "Well...that was fun..."

Narrator: "Look, lady, I'm just here to narrate this story. I don't want to know all the gory details!"

Chapter Thirteen: "Full Moon Flirting"

New Narrator: Fat lot of help you were, Haruo. Anyways...River, on the night of the full moon, was out selling a painting...when her transformation took place. Luckily it was a deserted strip of shops since most everyone had gone home to eat...and the shopkeepers were just counting their floats and tills; so no-one ended up dropping a smelly biological load in their trousers or pants... whatever the case may be.

New Narrator: Haruo, being at home, scared the living bejesus out of the cows. Nice going there, Haruo...

Haruo: At least it wasn't Angus beef...might have soured the meat. Hey maybe we might get sour cream from these Holsteins.

Mutt One: What would happen if I stuck my head in the garbage can?

Cat: I want fish.

River: You just had to get a small table, didn't you...?

Haruo: Hey don't look at me, you're the one who told me to save money!

Bebe: Haruo, you probably don't want to piss her off any more than you're doing right now...

Haruo: Why?

Bebe: Because it's a full moon and she's a werewolf

Haruo: Yeah, we're all werewolves.

Bebe: ...and two words...Aunt Flo.

Haruo: OH SHIT!

Haruo: Yeah, I'm going collecting tonight, See ya.

River: Chicken...

New Narrator: After returning from the gemstone and metal collecting, Haruo decided head for the basement and stay there for the rest of the night. It might not be wise for him to pop his head up stairs for fear of River eviscerating him. Then again, that might be amusing to watch.

Haruo: "Shut up, Narrator. Hey Watcher, when we going to get a fridge downstairs here anyways?

Watcher: Zzzz...huh..what? No...

New Narrator: Next morning Haruo headed over to the elixir shop to consign some gems and smelted metals.

N ew Narrator:...and River took a long moment to reconsider her stance on Haruo.

River: Hey, after all, he's the only game in town at the moment and the Watcher did say that to go forth and multiply.

Watcher: Wait a second, I did? Hey now we're getting somewhere...

River: oh...shut up!!!

River: Hey, Haruo...y'know. I haven't really been giving you a chance, have I?

Haruo: Uh...well...

River: Um...y'know...you really aren't half-bad...

Haruo: Um, thanks, I think...

p>River: You remember what the Watcher told us?

Haruo: ~gulp~

River: ...uh...go forth...and uh...multiply...

Haruo: Um. one times one is one... one times two is two, one times three...

River: Not that kinda multiply, ya dope!

River (hugs Haruo and purrs): This...kind of multiply...

Watcher: Woah...now this is getting interesting...

Haruo and River (both): Shut up, Watcher!